The Journey

Sometimes I wish I could do it all again. This time with fresh eyes and a heavy heart- a heart weighed down with gratitude. a heart swollen with love. a heart healed by forgiveness.

During my time abroad, I fell in love with the travel. The trains. The adventure. The steady movement forward. And it's amazing how something can make you so happy and so sad at the same time. 

Shaking rails. Shifting of the cars. The grind of the metal against the tracks. Because everything was changing. I was changing and I could feel it with every motion forward.

I spent a fair amount of time by myself. Traveling to country after country, my eyes constantly focused on the changing fields rushing by. I focused on learning how to be alone, because sometimes I feel the most alone and the most out of place in the biggest groups of people. And there was something so peaceful about spending hours and hours in awe of the beauty that surrounded me. I would sit and just watch, trying to absorb it all. I would think and reminisce, focusing on what it is I want out of this crazy life. And while I knew I was moving forward, I didn't know what I was moving toward.

Growing up, my goals and my passions were the only things I ever focused on. I learned how to focus on the future- on the person I would become. It's how I survived. I couldn't live in the moment, because sometimes it's the moments that destroy us. But I missed so much. And as much as I tried to hold onto them, the moments fell right through the cracks of my fingers like sand, and I've spent so much time grasping at the pieces again and again trying, begging to put it all back together.

And experiencing so much during my months in Europe made my heart so full. There was so much love and beauty and adventure, and still, I couldn't help but to feel a bit heartbroken about it all. All the years that were wasted being afraid. All the years I spent never actually believing I'd be able to create a life for myself that truly, heart and soul, fulfilled me. And I couldn't help but wonder, had things been different, I been different, how things would've turned out. But there comes a point when you become thankful for the disappointments. The heartbreak. The nights when you really aren't sure you will, or that you'll want to, open your eyes come morning. But you will. Because you have to- you deserve to. Because when things try to break you, you stand up taller and remember that you were strong enough to survive. And you're strong enough to take on the next challenge thrown your way. And the one after that. And you'll find a certain pride in refusing to break. You'll begin to thank God things didn't turn out the way you had planned, because the life looking back at you will be so much more meaningful and fulfilling. And the trains- the travel- they showed me that it's not just about the destination. It's about the journey. And if I you remember anything, remember this: it's worth it. Just keep moving forward. It will always be worth it.